| This is a lesson in procrastination |
[20 Apr 2004|08:42pm] |
Wow. I could write forever. I'm such a good place right now. I feel high.I went outside and smoked and danced around like I was 5. When its the first time someone tells you how they feel and it comes out so perfectly...god its beautiful.
I hope you never stop looking. NEVER. I love weeks like this. Like watching adrienne make a fire on my driveway and going to Dennys and giving people dirty looks just because. And listening to emo music and holding hands and everything that is so great. Thinking about how summers almost here and how...GOD! Someone come share this moment with me! I want to watch the sun rise in the morning and sleep all day. Then we can get up and run around and be crazy. Like kids are supposed to be. I wish everyone could always feel like I feel right now.
I could watch early 90's movies and listen to you breathe and you could make sure I don't smoke too much. And everything would be good. Even if it was for just that moment. It doesn't matter. Because for that moment everything would be perfect.
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[20 Apr 2004|07:43pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Brand new |
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I'm such a sucker for your lines.. do you know how important you are to me? Too bad you don't realize its you. I can't stop looking at you. Its so fuuny. Just cause. Cause I know your looking at me too. I know i'm half way past gone..I wish someone could feel the same way about this song like I do.. I can be doing something and just have all of this feeling and im so into it and no one else gets it. I want someone thats going to do that. That's going to feel deep about the littlest things. Wow. I'm a loser.
I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too
For some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one
It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on
You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold
Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old
And I will promise you I can make it warmer next year
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I stay here, and everyday I get one
It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on
So go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay in 'till our southern summer wedding day
Go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay here
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| Capture,Create,Print |
[08 Apr 2004|02:12pm] |
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Today went by so fast. I spent two periods with Ms. Fleck. At least she was in a good mood today. I.C. sucks when she's pissed. Anyways. It would figure on Tuesday two of my teacher would give me referals. And to top it off, they're both two teachers I hate anyways. So i was glad to get out of their class anyways. Tomorrow. Well. I've got Jesus down in my soul for tomorrow. GOOD FRIDAY! There was around 500 absence notes that were being turned in so I doubt they'll call home. I'm hoping cause i'm pretty nervous that they will. Going out to breakfast with a bunch of people then we be goin to the beach! Along with 3,000 other kids. Ha. Then at 3 i'm getting my hair dyed. Then that night...I dunno. That's my only day off. SOOO. Then tuesday's my birthday which is awsome. Then we only have like 20 something days left of school. HA! Okay. Well i have to go to work bleh!
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| Ability to diffuse |
[29 Mar 2004|08:30pm] |
I fell off of one of my trainers horses today. My back hurts like hell. We were going for the jump and he just ducked out and I slid down his neck and hung on then I just let go. I talked to my dad today since he just got home yesterday night. Then I talked to this kid Tim i've known since forever and a day. And that's about it. Last night I went over to chris rooks' house to see John-Kyle. It was good seeing him.
I've been pretty pissed the past week or so and this weekend just made me realize how much truth I had behind what I had been thinking. Billie lied to me repeatedly about how he felt. Now we're back to my name being bitch. I see people sitting beside me talking and laughing and they just run around talking shit. Like dave. Being the "trooper" that he is. I cause sooo much shit right? When did I even start coming back around everyone? Two months ago? And already people have managed to push themselves into MY business and start running around with their version on the story. I'm tired of having to watch what I say because god forbid it'll get around to someone in the wrong context and this whole big shit will start. I'm sick of all the fucking seniors I know acting like hot shit because they'll be gone and treating the rest of like dirt. Fuck that. And you know who you are too. See, the difference between me and everyone else, is that I could care less if people like that give two shits about me. Its pointless. I'm over being nice to people that spit right back in your face. Oh now you want to be nice right? Now that I can't fucking stand you? OH! And the whole " I hate drama" people . Look at half of them and all their trying to do is get in the middle of everyone else's shit.That whole group of them! They aren't friends. Their whole time is consumed with backstabbing each other as hard as they can go. But I guess that isn't my problem. So go ahead and bash me. Because I'M always wrong, right?
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| Bow Chica Baw Wow |
[22 Mar 2004|03:56pm] |
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mood |
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some ghetto rap music from downstairs |
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My feet hurt. I worked 8-3 today and we were full house! I made over a hundred bucks today which completly rocked my socks. Bad thing being is that I work every night tues-friday on thursday I work a double then saturday I work 8-3. At least it makes up for the damage I do shopping. Speaking of which...nah. Anywho. My dad leaves tomorrow for Seattle and I'm hoping everything goes well cause he's scared of planes and flying. Yeah. I saw Dawm of the Dead last night. It was the COOLEST thing ever. I had nightmares zombies were crawling in my window. I seriously recomend going to see it. Okay well now I gotta go out to ride my horsey.
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| Bump in the night. |
[21 Mar 2004|11:58am] |
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mood |
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So yesterday went wonderfully. *cough* sarcasm. I worked until 3 then went to the Den to get coffee with Dave. We played pool which he kicked my ass at. Then I got a call from Dan Peterson and went over to watch his band reherse at this wharehouse over in countryside. I saw Dodge (who I haven't seen in forever) Carmel, and met their guitarist and drummer (who goes to my school) she seems nice but she was kinda drunk when I met her. When I was leaving I backed into some kids car...i'm bad though cause i just left... EEEK! Oh well if I have some blonde punk kid chasing after me sometime today I'll know why. Then I went over to Bobs with steph and Alex and jaime and nate we all over there. Bob and I rode up to Taco Bell to get everyone food. We watched parts of Jackass then watched Monsters INC!!! I love that movie its funny as hell. But at every place, I had one of my guy friends always trying to put the moves on me or try and i dunno.Its so uncomfortable. I know how that sounds but in all seriousness, it drives me crazy. Its so akward around dave cause i'm always scared he's going to try and kiss me and then if I say ANYTHING joking around he goes from nice to dick in 1/4 of a second. Then with Dan, he's always been a close guy friend since..well ninth grade. But last night he was trying to rub my back and shit. Telling me all of this stuff. I mean Dan doesn't bother me cause I love Dan as a person. He's a great guy but it still gets a little weird. Then when I went to Bob's, and he and I drove up to Taco Bell he was telling me about how he NEEDS a woman so bad and blah blah blah. Its gross. Then earlier that day I talked to billie who really wants to be with me still. And in all truth I want to be with him too. But history always repeats itself. I'm not dealing with that shit again. I should start a Michelle hating club lets see i'd have : Dave, Bryan, Rennee, billie, Dodge, Justin,Adam, R.J., Mark Cody, Charlie,Courtney,Tom,...there's so many more I can't think of. ummm who else.. Oh well here's the thing, I don't even know half of these people let alone have ever talked to them and I find it funny that they all want to sit here and bitch about me...GO TO HELL. And as for the one's I do know, about four of them i've given up on because they're a POINTLESS waste of time.
My dad's leaving for Seattle on Tuesday because his mom's dying. She fell on Wednsday and broke her hip. And she has emphasema*? so they can't knock her out cause she would never come back out of the anathesia. I feel horrible but my dad has a rocky relationship with his family so I've only met her once in my life. I was also only 2 or something. I wanted to go with him but they said it would be really bad to that right now. And they don't know how much longer she's going to be alive. Its really hard on my dad... I dunno.
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[17 Feb 2004|10:36pm] |
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So I broke up with Ian. For good. I'm upset about it all. I'm just really starting to realize that I DON'T want a relationship. I mean look at all the bullshit I still have to go through with billie. I don't even want to talk to him and I can't get away. And this whole dave thing is turning into more of a damn soap opera then anything. People that I don't even talk to are saying shit. *cough* sarah. I mean what the fuck!? Someone who I thought I was okay with is saying, " Fuck her." Okay..I guess she's gonna say that? But whatever. That's a waste of time. Moving on. I think its funny how the only time people comment on my journal is when something is going on that they feel they need to get in the middle of. This whole thing pisses me off. I dunno. I just go back and read what sarah wrote and all of this shit!!!! I fucking hate this. Why cant everyone just co-exsist and leave each other the hell alone? Anyways. Tomorrow I fully intend on coming home and sleeping until I have to go to work. Definatly. I'm not sleeping enough and my head feels like someone's cracking it open with a hammer. So i guess i'm off to bed.
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[16 Feb 2004|07:34pm] |
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First of all, i'm sick of both of my godamn journals turning into someone reaming someone else's ass. Most of it doesn't concern half of the people responding. OVER half. And i'm glad that I piss everyone off with my decisions. GOOD. Get yourself a new friend to bitch about. Because i'm fucking sick of everyone telling me what's "good" for me. How the hell do you know? And another thing. I'm just about over this whole relationship bullshit. I've gotten nothing out of either situations besides a few more people to add on to my list of people that hate my guts. Yeah, i'm fucked over dave. Yeah more people are saying i'm a dumbass and so on. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW DAVE. All of you at school that are like, " Oh why did you pick Ian?" Can go to hell. Because you don't know him either. I'd prefer it that everyone would keep their goddamn opinions to themselves when not asked for.
This whole situation has made me realize how little of a problem can turn people against you. Well I don't NEED you. ANY of you. Because if this is the way its all gonna turn out, then fuck it.
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| Je suis heartbroken. |
[15 Feb 2004|09:54pm] |
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...Okay. So i've been an ass. I'm a horrible person. Everything that anyone can say I'll just say for them. I'm a bitch,slut,cunt,whore,liar,cheat,not worthy,asshole, girl that doesn't realize what she's got. Well what i've got is a big problem on my hands. Dave, listen, that day after you called me, the day Ian and I broke up, he came over that night and we had a loooong talk. I haven't known what to say. Or what to do. So I haven't said anything. What i've decided to do may or may not have been the right thing to do. But Ian and I decided to stick it out. My feelings for you have not changed but i'm sure they have in your case. God knows that your a great guy. And that I should never have done this to you in the first place. I'm sorry I ever had to say this..i'm sorry I ever did this. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do about the pictures. They were an awsome gift. But I don't deserve them after what i've done. I just sat and thought about how things would turn out between you and I. You have a band that means so much to you. Something that you enjoy and something I wouldn't ever be able to mix with. Instead of pulling you away from that..i'll just leave you alone. I've already been through the whole guy in band thing. From what i've heard, I isolate you from your friends first, then I make you not want to be in a band, then when its all said and done, you hate my guts because you have nothing anymore. Coming from billie, that whats I do. I don't do well in those kinds of circumstances. I know that I would never fit into your whole friends group thing and that would upset me too. I just could never be what you want. Believe me. I'm no good at these kinds of things.
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[12 Feb 2004|02:23pm] |
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So I guess i'm breaking up with Ian tonight.. I can't lie to the poor guy. I was going to do it after Valentines Day, just so I could try not and hurt him right before this...but its not fair to him. I think he has a right to know... So I guess thats all I have to say..
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[11 Feb 2004|10:03pm] |
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I just got done walking around with ali. We talked for like 45 minutes about...everything.
So as far as everything goes...i dunno i'm just really confused and really sad. I just want to be happy. And I don't think that's such a hard request. I want to be with someone who's going to love me, with all of my flaws. I want somone who's gonna lay in bed with me and just hold me no matter what. When i'm shaking cause its thundering outside I want somebody thats going to tell me that its okay..
I don't want to be in a 2 week relationship. I hate feeling so casual and "layed back". That's not how I am. I'm emotional and I attach to what I feel is mine. Right now..i'm not attached to the person I'm supposed to be attached to. I feel guilty about it and at the same time sad because I don't know what to do. I've gotten my heart broken soooooo bad that its really hard for me to do that to someone else. And I feel like i'm falling for someone that I don't even know if I really even have. I mean...does he know how old I am? I'm going to be seventeen in April. I'm only 17 and I'm scared that he doesn't know that..and if he finds out and is like.."Wow, I didn't realize..."..it would tear me apart. At this point, I'm not going to throw myself into something that's going to turn around and break my heart. I just feel like i'm jumping off a building and i'm free falling down to the ground..and I don't know if there's going to be anything to catch me.
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[08 Feb 2004|07:31pm] |
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Okay...so I had a great day. Here we go. I ended up hanging out with Dave. We went to his house and hung out..I got to listen to his synth stuff. :D It was fun. Then we went and saw Along Came Polly (which was an awsome movie) then he drove me home and gave me a kiss on the cheek which was sooo cute. But here's the problem, I do have a boyfriend. I dont know if he knows this or not. Next problem, I like dave. I do. I used to have a thing for him..*cough* but no one knew that soo its out in the open now.. And my current boyfriend i've been seeing now for ohh less than a month and I don't know what's going on. I mean he's leaving for the army in 8 months and I dunno. I feel like he doesn't take me or this relationship seriously. I want someone that's not gonna be afraid to care about me not be afraid to actually say how they feel. All i've gotten from Ian is that he's really happy being with me. And I dunno. Maybe I made another mistake by going out with him. I swear i need to be locked away or something. Cause I feel like i'm always hurting someone with the way I feel. I'm really emotional..god everyone that knows me has realized that.. and I just feel really bad right now. REALLY bad. I want to hang out with Dave and stuff but i'm scared that i'm gonna be really into him and shit the more I'm around him. Jesus. I'm so confused. Ian gets home sometimes tonight and i'll just have to figure out whats going on with all of that and what not before i'm make any kind of sudden decision.
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| Your words inspire me. |
[04 Feb 2004|09:41pm] |
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So. A lot of shit has gone on so i'll try and put it all down. Billie and I are officially over. We've been done now for about a month. He's seeing some girl named Courtney and i'm dating this awsome guy named Ian. At first everything was really hard on me. Just trying to break everything off and try and get used to not being with him. Its still hard seeing him with someone else..even though I broke it off. It was for the best and everyone around knows it. Ians so great though. I don't feel like I have to watch what I do or World War III's gonna break out. We just lay on my bed and watch movies. He holds me and says shit that makes me so happy..I just haven't been this happy in a long time. I figure its about damn time I get to smile. Yeah Ian and I are different. Kinda. But so were billie and I. I wanted to have a life and he didnt. But now he's in a new band with Justin D. and R.J. and he seems happy. And now i'm just over it and I'm actually happy for him. It took a lot for me to feel like this though. A lot of crying and regretting and calling my friend steph every other five minutes. Since all of this has been going on, we've all been playing ALOT of pool. Steph and I are getting pretty good. I just want to be happy again. I remember at some point a long time ago I was happy like this. It just sucks that its been this long. But I have my friends and my man and now everything doesn't seem to look so bleak after all.
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| shooting stars or satalites |
[11 Jan 2004|08:15pm] |
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Why does everything have to be so...shitty? I mean, things all start out perfectly fine and then BAM! It all goes to hell. I don't know. But the crying thing is getting really old. I was having a nice time. Me and billie were watching finding nemo. Then my parents ask us to go buy cigarettes. Then here's the que.. BAM! He starts telling me that I'm in love with someone else blah blah blah... we didn't even get out of the neighborhood before he started on me. So I had to turn around so he could go home. Its too cold outside to cry. The tears feel like there sticking to your face. My nose started running and I was so cold. But I really didn't want to move. When your upset about something..or someone, everything bad that has happened just floods you. So just when I think i've stopped crying, something else jumps into my head and the flood gates go again. I wish someone could just take me away from him. My knight in shinning armor. I mean really though, who am I kidding? I'll be living this same pathetic scene every night of my life until I wake up and realize this isn't what I want..
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| My lips bleed |
[21 Dec 2003|09:39pm] |
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So. Steph and I went and saw Cat in the Hat. Which was pretty cool. Went to Ybor to go shop around earlier. It was...interesting. On the way home, I was smoking a cigarette in my dads truck and I went to flip it out the window,and the fucking thing came back in and went down the back of my pants. I burnt a hole through my undies...it hurt like hell. Bought some pretty thrift clothing and stuff. Ummm. Fought with billie some more last night. He's "made up his mind" and he's decided that it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore (a.k.a) he wants to go be with his fuck up friends. ex: Justin Denova and adam and all the stupid fucking people he calls friends. See, when he's sitting in your garage two days ago crying and saying that he never wants to be without me blah blah blah, then two days later saying that he hates me etc. Does that not sound a little funny to anyone else? Yeah well I think that ****** was right. I think he's with another chicky and doesn't have the balls to tell me. But that's cool. He just wasted 2 years of his life trying to make everything better (getting off drugs, going to college) now he's just gonna go back down the tube again. That's just FUCKING ducky with me.
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| And I know, I just don' t make sense |
[10 Oct 2003|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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Its a phone..
Its a payphone.
Its a party
And Its just noise.
Its a girl
Upstairs..
For an hour.
But its fun, right?
I wouldn't know.
But I'm sure you would.
---------------------------------------------
And I guess we'll all just go to Denny's
Sit and just drink coffee.
What else there to do
In a place
So drab
In a place
so full
Of questions and hurt
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[27 Sep 2003|11:17pm] |
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enraged |
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So. Where should I start... Ok got it. Billie moved out. Wasn't going to tell me. Saw him putting his shit in his car. Hadn't called for 3 days so I knew something was wrong. Didn't explain why he was leaving basically told me to fuck off. And didn't say goodbye. Just left. And said he was moving in by himself. And that it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I brought this upon myself yaddah yaddah..bullshit. I was so pissed that I was literally going to kill him. My dad has the good graces to give me a cigarette and talk some sense into me. He and I both stood there watching him and ADAM load his stuff into his car. Oh and as a side note, if I see that little fucker ever again i'll personally slit his goddamn throat. Then they purposly drove right past my house while I was standing there crying and freaking out. I know he had this planned. You just can't "suddenly" move into an apartment all by yourself which is what he emphasized. Dumb fucker. My mom RUNS apartment places. I know better than that. So i threw the yin yang ring into the sewer that he had given me and decided that I was having a breakdown. Right then. I couldn't stop shaking and convulsing for and hour. I couldn't breathe and my skull felt like it had been split open. It still does. So he's either moving in with adam or justin. I hope he's having fun doing drugs or whatever and fucking adams little slutty friends. Yeah. I'm sure adam and the "band" are real fucking happy now. You got your fucking buddy back. I just can't believe he didn't have the balls to tell me anything about what he was doing. Yes, I am a bitch but I would at least have the curtiousy to tell him i was going. And I don't expect to hear from him again. Its always just easier running away. So, now i guess I can turn into the slut ass pot-head he thinks I was. Because its always just more fun to run away.
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| pulling teeth |
[31 Jul 2003|10:25am] |
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cranky |
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I feel sick. School starts in 5 days. :( I passed my driving test a week ago. It was interesting. So now I have a car. Which isn't all that fun considering my parents won't let me drive anywhere but to work, school and the barn. So billie's been really pissed off with me lately. I can't help the fact that things didn't work out between he and I. We're two different people. But yet he still wants it to be my fault because he's the vulnerable one. And that makes me feel like shit. That's one reason I want to go back to school. I get to see people that I haven't seen all summer. That I miss. That I can talk to.
I got my braces off finally. That was the day AFTER I got my license. I go back today to get my retainers. I was gonna rip them off my teeth if they didn't take them off. Plyers.
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no_cliche's journal